older musings

that was then

Various writings throughout the days and nights...

February 2021


As I continue my pack and prepare for my move, there is another significant chapter that is coming to a close. I basically spent 2020 alone due to the pandemic, but I spent the first two years here in Coimbatore with my teacher, ShriNandanji, in my home with me. To spend consistent one-on-one time with a spiritual teacher of this level is quite rare and I feel incredibly blessed and grateful. We welcomed his local following and I introduced him to some of my clients as well. It’s been an incredible journey in personal evolution, and also in working together with him as we bridged east and west, inspiring and supporting each person who came on their unique healing journey. Although our journey together isn’t ending, it is moving into a new chapter. There will still be time spent together and welcoming of others to work together in a new city, yet with all the shifting and changing in the world who knows how this next chapter will play out. For now, I am full of appreciation for the time ShriNandanji offered himself for my growth, and content in knowing that we will always be connected regardless of how life plays out.



October 2020

no beginnings, lots of endings (seemingly)

2020 has brought about so many whirlwinds of emotion. And as we head towards the end of the year, if you’re like me, you feel like there is a definite chapter in your life that is ending. I’ve been looking into Human Design and the Gene Keys lately and my chart would indicate that I don’t have a lot of beginnings but I do have a lot of endings (seemingly)…my interpretation is that I think for a long time before ending something and part of the reason is because I rarely can see what lies ahead. This is definitely a theme in my life to varying degrees, but prominently so since I left the US in 2012. It doesn’t get any easier, particularly the older I get. Yet, I know that fighting an ending will only prolong the unsettledness. So I let go and move forward.

Being alone here in India since March has given me the opportunity to really look at what I want in my life. It’s not so much what is needed, as I have proven to myself that I can survive on very little: money, food, friends, talking, etc., but it made me realize that I’ve done enough of the “tapas” (living in austerity) in my life. I’ve unearthed my attachments and done tremendous internal work. And now it’s time for me to enjoy life again. I can now enjoy it without the fear of getting distracted off my spiritual path. My spiritual path is my life and there is no way to drift from that now.

So now I look for more balance in my life; balance between joy and pleasure and seriousness and service, balance between giving and receiving, balance between questioning and trusting my innate wisdom.

As indicated, I don’t know how this is going to look. I don’t feel anything will change prior to 2021…there is bound to be enough turbulence in the world as a whole between now and then that I don’t need to add any personal upheaval to that. So I feel the end but don’t see the beginning. It’s like paddling yourself down a river that you’ve never been on and the current is so strong that you just put the paddles in the boat and see where it takes you.

I offer this little side table conversation for those of you who are feeling like a chapter in your life is ending. Even if you can’t see the beginning, step forward with courage. It doesn’t mean you won’t have fear, but that you understand your life is bigger than the energy of fear.

The whole world, with the US in particular, is going through a huge ending…it’s affecting us on a collective and individually. It’s time to reevaluate where you’re putting your energy, who you’re allowing to tell your story, and who you want to be in this world, this new world.

I send everyone courage, strength and faith as we move through these last few months of 2020.

Photo: @xerty

September 2020

the truth will remain

This is something I have said to clients many times…no matter how unsettled or uncomfortable you feel when you are confronted with opposing beliefs or ideas, explore them, question them, question yourself…because the truth will remain.

I have been put to the test of my own words over these past 8 months. We all have been put to our own tests and mine has been digging in deeper to my own truth.

The fragmentation of the various “spiritual” communities has been disheartening, although not 100% surprising in some cases. I have lived in a well-known spiritual community and it was easy to see how shallow some of it was. It wasn’t surprising to see some people become inflatable secret-knowers, proclaimers of the “real” truth and cryptic message droppers for those “in-the-know”. But when the circle widened and I watched as more and more people jumped into some alternate reality that began with grains of truth and morphed into a seemingly drug-induced, violence encouraging, formerly “we are the ones we have been waiting for” turned into ‘the one who is going to save us is here’ group, I was taken aback to say the least. I continued watching, reading, and investigating the claims until it became so obvious that the tide had turned from justice seeking, healing advocates to brain-washed ready to (literally)kill gang members, I knew I needed to step away from even my curiosity. I’ve tried to listen to the “other” side, with things like the popular “Conspirituality” podcasts, yet that too, felt condescending and limited in their perspectives in much of what I listened to. I believe in science and I also believe science doesn’t know everything. I believe in what some ancient rishis have said and don’t need scientific data to back it up. I have had experiences that back up my truth and I understand there are others who haven’t had those same experiences so it isn’t their truth. That doesn’t change anything for me.

I wondered a lot about why I hadn’t gone down the route that so many I knew had. Many of us are similar in ways and I, too, have explored and (still) believe some of the alternate theories about certain happenings in life. So why didn’t I completely fall into the oblivion of the QAnon and its spin offs?

The only reason I can come up with is because my truth remained. My real truth. The truth I live by. I chose to stay engaged in the news and to follow what was going on, particularly in my homeland of the USA. I spoke up when I felt I had something worthwhile to offer to others who were perhaps feeling something similar to me…not wanting to hate or shame but wanting to be clear that it was time to take responsibility for ourselves. I don’t have a huge following, but it felt important that I said something.

And then I sat. I had a hard time sitting for meditation since about May, when the racial justice uprisings began in my home state of Minnesota. I watched from here in India as Minneapolis went up in flames; I checked on my family who lived nearby; I began to offer session work by donation so no one felt they had to weather all of this by themselves. My thinking mind was very active, my physical body was having surprising reactions – and all of this while I also sat in the witnessing state being somewhat amazed by it all.

I believe life is to be lived. There are times for disengagement and times for engagement. For citizens of the USA, I don’t believe this is a time of disengagement…no matter how “spiritual” you are. I don’t believe that if you only see love you’ll only experience love. I’m all for positivity and pushing out as much love and compassion as possible, but denial of truth is denial of life; that is not my path. I believe one can be heart centered without spinning around in emotional drama.

So I’ve found myself watching my spiritual community separate into those who are bypassing or in complete denial, those who have completely gone down the “rabbit hole”, and a few who are doing their best to stay afloat.

I don’t feel the need to debate or argue with anyone either way. Because my truth remains. I don’t believe Biden/Harris are going to change the way the US government works, but I do believe they are the best choice for the current roles, and I have hope that through their administration there may be openings for real change. I think the psychological warfare that has happened on so many levels is going to take years to sort through. I believe the USA needs to look back at the past in order to move forward into the future.

I’ve been “told” for years that the “darkness” will be rooted out by the light within my lifetime, and I believe this is happening. I was also told that much of the darkness would present as light at first but in the end the real Light would overcome. This is what I believe has and is happening now. I never imagined it would be my own community that would be hijacked, but I believe it to be true now.

Some people have lost hope in all “spiritual” aspects. “Spiritual” wording has been hijacked; any fees requested for worked deemed to be in the “spiritual” realm has been labeled as profiting off crisis. It’s been very unsettling to be someone who stands in her conviction that truth can be found within oneself; for someone who disassembled her entire life multiple times in order to root out her own truth and from that journey offers her guidance to others to do the same. And to now not know where to put her feet.

Photo: @michaelcarruth

June 2020

memories of grief...new and old

This morning, as I sat in front of my computer with tears streaming down my face, what came into my memory was what it felt like when my mom was in her last days. I remember needing to go into different stores to pick things up for her and watching everyone else walking around. There was a piece in me that wanted to shout out, “what are you doing? Don’t you realize she is dying? Don’t you realize she is about to no longer be with us here on earth? Just stop!” Of course, the present part of me knew that this was just my current experience, no one else was or needed to experience it, but the pain was palpable. I remember crying as I was walking around knowing that it was her time and quite honestly being happy for her that she would no longer have to deal with life here on earth, and yet I was so sad for me and my family. There is just something about letting go, even when it is for the best, that can bring sadness on.

I was wondering why this memory was coming up for me right now. I have been sitting in India for 10 months now, 7 of them solo. From here I’ve been watching the US go up in flames, literally and symbolically as people turn on one another with voracious vitriol and the explosion of pent-up rage and disappointment with their own lives. It didn’t start just with the virus. The outward expression of disregard, disrespect and hatred really came to the surface with the current President’s election. It was like a “get out of jail free” card for all the biased, angry and insecurity masked as arrogance to come forward. The tension built and built and then the pandemic broke the seal. Since May I’ve been on numerous calls with clients, family and friends that were overlaid with anxiety, depression, rage, shame and guilt. I’ve listened earnestly. I’ve held my boundaries with those who weren’t committed to doing their own work and just wanted my attention sporadically when they were in crisis but then dropped out when the real work was necessary. I’ve supported some to take medication in order to keep them stable. I realized early on that we weren’t going to be able to find internal stability with the pressure of their external environment in constant chaos. We talk about medication as just a temporary hold to keep them healthy with sleep, less physical anxiety and less conflict in their relationships. We bring in meditation, movement and breathwork to support their daily life. I’m not a psychotherapist. I am a trained psycho-spiritual counselor and have been counseling since 2005. Now more than ever people are wanting to be seen as whole beings, not just textbook cases, and the work I do allows for that.

But I digress…why was this memory coming up now?

Losing your mom is like no other loss in life, whether you had a “good” relationship or no relationship with her. You were part of her in the beginning and that cellular connection remains until her physical body is no longer alive. It’s part of being human. I found comfort in connecting to Mother Earth during my mother’s transition, walking down to the lake I grew up with every day. Watching the river reminded me that life goes on, that nature knows what it is doing, and I could feel the communion with my body.

I don’t have access to that kind of nature now, and I think this is contributing to my unsettledness. I feel the lack of connection to some degree always when I’m here, but I usually leave every 6 months and can then get a good dose of it to hold me for a while. But not this time. I have friends and family who I can reach out to, there is no question they would be there for me. But eternal connection is my saving grace, and nature is that eternal connection to me in tangible form. Without this I feel like I am floating…I have the meta understanding that there is a cosmic intelligence at play and there is no need for me to try to figure it all out, and yet my human feels the suffering on and of the earth. The lack of access to the bare earth and her waters has left me feeling adrift today.

The suffering that is going on with so many humans is hard to witness, and having an inner knowing that it is going to carry on for some time also contributes to my tears. I may feel differently tomorrow, or even later today. Life has been like that lately. Yet riding out the waves, I stand on a steady ground of knowing and trusting.

There is also some personal grief I am feeling. Feeling like another chapter of my life is coming to a close. I tend to have intense connections with certain people, usually one at a time for a certain period of my life, and then that connection fades and it’s time to move on. And this is happening now as well. I feel the familiar pangs of sadness and loss. I don’t feel supported in the way I did before. And yet, I also know that all emotions are transient and I will not feel this way forever.

And so it must be a combination of all of this that brought me back to December 2005, watching locals bustling to and from the grocery store while I sat in the car crying as Christmas carols played on the local radio station.


october 2019

i'm craving the voice of the feminine god...

I’m craving the voice of the Feminine God. I don’t want to hear how the world was created or how life was created by one more male. I don’t want to hear stories about the Feminine from men.

No, I don’t hate men. And yes, I believe there are some men who are sharing the voice of the feminine in good heart.

But I want to hear the woman. I want to hear the words, the longing, the desire, the depth of a woman.

The closest I can find is some of the woman who have studied Mary Magdalene, the Gospel of Mary. To hear her words, even though they are similar to all the other texts, just knowing they come from a woman allows me to hear them more clearly, to feel them more deeply, to take them into my bones.

I’ve had 2 strong experiences with Mary, although in all honesty in both “visions” I am not clear if it was Mary Magdalene or Mother Mary. In a sense, it doesn’t matter as their message is probably the same.

In one, I heard Mary say over and over to me “I understood my contract.”

In a second one, I saw Mary holding a baby and weeping. Weeping because she knew she would have to give the baby up. This could have been Mother Mary knowing that she would need to give Jesus up to his Message, or Mary Magdalene giving up her own child for some time for safety reasons. I don’t know and both seem plausible.

Both instances there is some disharmony between the head & knowing what is in store and the heart feeling the love and attachment. It’s not that either didn’t know what to do, it’s that it hurt their heart to do so. They both held the paradox of knowing it would hurt their heart and still doing it.